Here's a story I wrote in about ten minutes when I was very tired
Long, long ago, in a kingdom far away which took place in the future....There lived a large albino rock star man named Mortis. Mortis lived in a shed with his band, the Chili-Flavored Combs. Mortis' band practiced for hours every single day, but they never seemed to get any better. Some people might have said that this is because Mortis was the only member who was, technically a human being, and he was completely deaf. The other members were humanesque creations composed of thousands of teeny tiny balls of glue. Mortis, however, would not allow these drawbacks to draw him back. Every night before bed, he would get on his knees and say, "God, please make my band as good as Soulcracker. I'll give you a dollar! Amen!"

Of course, we all know that this prayer would never become reality. No band could be as good as Soulcracker! Unless it was a band composed of giant elves with really sharp roller blades who played instruments of their own invention. That would be a kick-ass band.

Anyway, due to the fact that I have lost interest in poor Mortis, I will now tell the tale of a puppet named The HellIfIKnow and his traumatizing childhood.

You see, thehellifIknow was always getting trouble whenever his class had a substitute teacher. She would always ask his name and then send him to the principal's office after he told her! How rude! Just because there was a curse word in his name is no reason to discriminate against him!

Just to make matters worse, the principal always thought it was hilarious when he was sent to the office. He would hand dirty, strawberry-covered bags of stew to the puppet and order him to dance until candy-coated bread fell from the sky. Luckily, candy-coated bread fell from the sky about every ten seconds in this puppet's world. But there was never a single store that carried fruit loops!

Eventually, the puppet got tired of this tedium and decided to take over the world. And he did. And he had a gosh darn good time of it, too.

I hope Ian sees this. I'm sure he would appreciate it.

One day, I met a guy named Ben over the Internet
I met Ben through our common love for Soulcracker. Soulcracker is a splendid mystical force that is simply excellent at bringing the coolest of peoples together into one frighteningly groovalicious Internet homeland. Joyous day.

The best thing about Ben is everything that is about Ben or something. I really can't recall. But I'm sure that he must have some sacred wisdom handed down through the ages because he understands Brak AND he is llama boy! Ben is a squirrel. I invented him indirectly. Because I invented the concept of squirrels. I did this on the same day that I created the English language, and I even had enough time for a glass of Kool-Aid afterwards. I'm really very efficient when it comes to squirrel conceptualization.

Ben and I both play the trumpet. I invented the trumpet as well. But I did not invent the push-button spit valve. This invention was a gift from God. I know this because I remember the day that it happened. I was sitting in school, playing my trumpet and wondering why my spit release mechanism looked so gosh darned old-fashioned. Then, all of a sudden, a bright light shone from the sky and I heard a heavenly chord emanating from the bowels of a golden cloud which hung above my head. From the cloud emerged a shiny brass trumpet which slowly and ceremonioulsy lowered itself to the ground, where it was eagerly snatched up by Brian, because he's the first chair trumpet anyway. When he relealized that this trumpet was special, his jaw dropped. "The spit valve is a BUTTON!" he said. At that point, all of us became horribly jealous of Brian. But it was okay, because we still loved him anyway. Everybody loves Brian.

Soon, there will be a story here involving my best friend Rachel, myself, and Matt LeBlanc. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?
But I haven't gotten around to writing it yet. Sorry.